like a diamond ...: 2nd thoughts on cancer

Friday, January 25, 2008

2nd thoughts on cancer

If indeed I do have this more serious form of cancer – this genetic predisposition toward producing a protein that feeds cancer cells – then I am not going to worry. I am not going to become mired in self-pity or even pious prayer.

Instead I am going to be me, to live, to rejoice in the gift that I bring to the world and life. I am going to receive and enjoy everything that is given to me.

And I’m not going to do things that I don’t want to do.

(It may be that I need to start planning that trip to the Clairvaux prison in France.)

like a diamond ...

Before the mastectomy, I saw an MRI image of my invasive breast cancer on a computer screen. This was the day before they did the MRI-guided biopsy. There was nothing vague about it – it looked clear and defined, bright and shiny – like a diamond. When I saw it, I did not know that it was cancer, and I asked the Dr. what else it could be. Oh, a density of fibrous tissue or something, he said. All I knew was that it was different from everything around it, and I have come to trust that my breast cancer is, indeed, some kind of treasure.

Though I write honestly, and sometimes perhaps flippantly and cynically, about my experiences with breast cancer and the medical system, I mean no disrespect to the professionals who treat me. I am incredibly grateful for their knowledge and skills, their very hands(!) – and I am humbled by the way they dedicate their lives (and days and nights) to the health and care of our bodies (my body!). The personalities of my doctors and their assistants, with all of their human variations, truly do bless and charm me.