Wednesday, November 21, 2007

morning ramblings

It is important that I be as honest as I can when I write about how things are. And though I am not writing these things for anyone – I am writing for myself – it is somehow important that I put these thought out here, if only for an imaginary you. I have a tendency to present to the world an image of who and how I am that may not exactly jive with what is really going on with me. I can hide behind a mask. I can overly judge how you will react to what I say before I determine what it is that I will say, and I end up fudging the real truth of what’s going on with me to the point where I don’t even know anymore what's going on with me. I think this is called co-dependency in some circles.

It’s not that I want to boldly assert my feelings and my thoughts – but sometimes it is only in writing that I can even figure out what I am thinking or feeling. And it seems important for me to, in some way, integrate this with how I am with others. My outer face.

So – that’s the long story of why I need to write here (and already I’m imagining the reactions of “what an over-analyst!” – jeez – maybe it’s just an inner-critic that needs to be met and dealt with!)

I had too much wine last night.

For awhile now I’ve been telling myself that if I can’t have just one glass of wine, I should just forego the whole thing.

And then I read in this morning’s paper that there is a study indicating that even small amounts of alcohol have been shown to increase incidents of breast cancer in women.

So maybe that is another reason.

I don’t want to evade the reality of what is going on. Sometimes it seems that a little wine helps me to get more in touch with what I am feeling – loosen up, relax, slow down. But there comes a point where the wine becomes a drug, and I know that I am using it to run away.

And I think that I can find my way through breast cancer without having to drink my way through.

The other night my vegan friend, Sharon, was telling me that if I went on a vegan diet, I could reverse the cancer. I’m not sure that, at this point, I would want to count on it, but it does sound like an interesting change in lifestyle that might prevent new cancers from forming. But I need for Sharon to move in for a week to teach me how to cook and eat vegan!