Monday, March 31, 2008

just down ...

I am down now. Just down.

I had a major meltdown in the Gander Mountain Sports store

I went with John to the store and was looking at some of the exercise tops. Trying them on, I realized that, even with reconstruction surgery, I will never look normal, or be able to wear such things. The fake breast is higher, and with so much “cleavage” everything looks lopsided.

And I still hurt.

When I was diagnosed with 2 cancers in one breast, I wanted to have 2 lumpectomies with radiation, rather than a mastectomy. I got Dr. Rimmer to admit that my chances for recurring cancer would be the same with the lumpectomies (with radiation) as with the mastectomy, and that the ONLY reason for going with the mastectomy was cosmetic. He insisted that with 2 lumpectomies, I would end up with a deformed breast that I would never be happy with.

When I spoke with my cousin’s husband, who is an expert on breast disease, he said that 2 lumpectomies on one breast would be “out of protocol” and that I would have a hard time finding a surgeon who would do it.

Well, I have a deformed breast now. And 2 breasts that are very scarred.

I try to look at the bright side (I don’t have cancer), and I feel childish whining about the cosmetics, wishing I had my old breasts back. I will adapt, I guess.

But that’s the way I feel today. Disappointed.