deconstruction

I am ready to be deconstructed.

Four and a half years ago, after a mastectomy that removed my right breast, 2 silicon implants were placed in my chest.  The one on the right replaced the breast that was removed.  The smaller one on the left was supposedly put it to make it more "match" the fake right breast.  The left breast needed a lift.

It didn't work out so well, cosmetically.  Actually, the lifted left breast "looks" pretty good, but it doesn't even come close to matching the silicon blob that protrudes from my right chest.  The right implant never "settled", so it sits high on my chest, almost to my collarbone.  I've heard the doctor say that it is "too large".  I think he means large, width-wise, because every time I extend my right arm I feel a pinch in my underarm area.  This is especially annoying when I swim.  

For the last year or more my breasts have become more and more painful.  There is a constant ache around the right implant.  I recently had an MRI to check and see if anything was wrong, but that came back with a diagnosis of "everything looks fine" in there, meaning that the implant was not leaking.  I suspect that it is muscle pain, because the implant is actually under the pectoral muscle, and the muscle feels stretched and strained.  It is especially painful when it is cold outside.

Anyway, I've had enough.  I want the implant(s) out and am ok with being flat chested on one side.  I'm not sure how the left breast will look with the implant out.  Like a deflated balloon?  But a plastic surgeon should be able to do something about that, shouldn't he?

Much as I don't like the idea of someone cutting on me, I want this done.  I can't wait to be free of my silicon chest.  For more than 4 years I've felt like I had a plate of armor weighing down on me.  I don't hug people closely - I always hold them just a little bit a part from me.  I'm protecting myself and I'm embarrassed by this barrier that is in me.  I'm afraid to be touched on or around my chest.  This all makes me sad.  

I'm ready to let it all go.  The silicon, the fear.  I want my body back, even if it is wounded and flawed.

I want to touch and be touched.

My appointment is on Tuesday, and that is when I will schedule the surgery.

[My gosh, I notice in the post below, written more than 3 years ago, I am saying much of what I say today.  Funny that it has taken me 3 years to get to the place where I am ready to go through another surgery.]