sadness

when sadness comes to the surface
does that mean that it is about
to go away?

when all I can do is sit with it
does that mean that
I have made a home for it?

today Dr. Rimmer told me that
it was time for me to be
happy again.

but happiness comes through
(not after)
sadness for me.

3rd wave of sadness

Today was kind of an off day. If I had not committed to writing everyday, I probably would not write today.

I am feeling a little depressed, a little frazzled and a little sad. Two women from the breast cancer support group called me, and I am grateful for these new friendships. I saw my primary physician’s assistant and waited an hour and a half to get a blood test. They did an EKG and the waves look good though I have an irregular heart beat. I knew I danced to a different drummer. I hassled with trying to get my printer to work. I talked to my sister, who is calling almost every day now (We usually only talk once or twice a month).

I didn’t get to my yoga/sitting until late in the day.

I think I feel the 3rd wave of sadness coming on. It is a more subtle, accepting kind of sadness. A quiet sadness, but sadness nonetheless. My surgery is now less than a week away.

the 2nd wave of sadness

One of the nurses told me that the sadness would come in waves.

This must be my 2nd wave of sadness. It is bigger and deeper than the first, welling up inside me and sometimes spilling over in tears. It is about my particular misfortune – my breast cancer – but it is also about all the misfortunes of life, mine as well as others. It is about natural disasters like tsunamis as well as imperfections and break down of body. Things that happen that are out what seems to be ordinary and that bring suffering.

This is my world and this is my life.

It’s nobody’s fault, but the way things are. I suppose I could get mad at God.

sadness

There is an aura of sadness around me now. It is a gentle sadness, that seems to be like a blanket, protecting me.

I know that I will lose my breast in a few days, and I have accepted that. I am sad because I am losing something familiar, something that has been with me for a long time, something that I had assumed would be with me forever.

It is like an early good-bye.

I said to Sebastian that I was beginning to understand that this loss/mourning seems to be at the heart of what we call “living”.

Sometimes I cry a little bit, tears that seem to spill over from this place of sadness.