the thing about the Femara

The thing about the Femara is that I never know if my feeling bad is due to the drug, or just the way I would be feeling anyway.

Well, almost. I do know that my bones and joints ache a lot more. And that the vaginal dryness is like nothing I have never before experienced.

But why do I feel so disconnected from my body? Like my body is no longer me, but somewhat distant. I think that sex has a lot to do with connecting myself with my body, and that has been less than satisfactory. But also I don’t seem to get a rush of endorphins when I exercise anymore. I always feel more or less, not well.

patience

I am learning to be patient – to be a patient.

It means, first of all, being quiet and waiting. Finding a new way to experience time: not as an empty transport from what-was-before to what-I-want-to-be, but as a resting place for where I am now. A here place.

Things are not perfect (or what I call hassle-free) here. My drain is still in, and still draining and still hurting. The water balance of my body is “off”, and my ears are quite screw-y.

Despite the discomfort, I have a feeling that this is an important place to be now.

It was Debbie (Taylor’s Mom) who mentioned to me that “patience” was a good thing to know when you are sick. I have learned so much from her. Especially about life not always being what you want or expect it to be.