It seems like there is a lot of hoopla going on around me now and I feel somewhat like when I was 5 years old and I was having a birthday party. When everyone began singing to me I crawled under the picnic table. I don’t even answer the phone anymore.
My sister, FA, is flying in from Buffalo tonight. She was originally scheduled to come in tomorrow, but with the snowstorm expected up there tonight, was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to get out. Boy will she be surprised with the 80-degree weather here. We still have the AC on. She likes to talk and can answer the phone when she gets here.
John and I are going to his company Xmas party tonight. That’s always somewhat of a bore. But I am distracted, and I am ok. I don't feel sad or scared anymore.
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label friends. Show all posts
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
the hands of others
I feel like I am at the end of a “process”. There is nothing left for me to “do”. Not that there was ever anything, really, for me to “do”, but now I know that I only have to be, in the moment, as I am. I don’t need to control things in my mind, make them the way I think that they need to be.
Things can just be as they are.
My sister is coming in from upstate New York on Sunday. This is interesting. Though we are close in age – she is 20 months older than me – we have very different personalities and have never been particularly “close” as sisters. But we were the only surviving children, and there is a strong unspoken bond between us.
She really wanted to come to be with me during the surgery, and I knew I needed to honor that. On the surface, I think I agreed because I wanted John to have someone with him while I was actually in surgery. But there are many layers of complex relatedness going on here and I know that I need to just surrender to it and let myself be amongst family and friends, and let them care for me. I do not need to, and cannot, hyper-manage it.
It’s a little scary to completely put myself into the hands of others. The hands of my surgeons, as well as the hands of my family and my friends. But I do.
Things can just be as they are.
My sister is coming in from upstate New York on Sunday. This is interesting. Though we are close in age – she is 20 months older than me – we have very different personalities and have never been particularly “close” as sisters. But we were the only surviving children, and there is a strong unspoken bond between us.
She really wanted to come to be with me during the surgery, and I knew I needed to honor that. On the surface, I think I agreed because I wanted John to have someone with him while I was actually in surgery. But there are many layers of complex relatedness going on here and I know that I need to just surrender to it and let myself be amongst family and friends, and let them care for me. I do not need to, and cannot, hyper-manage it.
It’s a little scary to completely put myself into the hands of others. The hands of my surgeons, as well as the hands of my family and my friends. But I do.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
friends who show the way
I have been thinking today, about friends who have gone through difficulties, sickness and death, and who have shared and shown me the way. The above is a photo of Darrell Grayson, taken the day before he was executed last July. His grace and his hope – the very call to be – is gift and given to me.
I think of my breast cancer support group (which meets tomorrow night), and how important those women are to me.
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