like a diamond ...: choosing

Monday, December 3, 2007

choosing

It’s like I have a choice.

I can acknowledge the worry and fear – and sometimes I have to put all of my fear to word - but I can also choose to let my mind go down another path: a path of quietness. But I have to do certain things to better establish this path. Like little times of yoga. Like reading small parts of my “Book of Hours” through the day. Like taking Jubilee for walk or sweeping the back porch. Like writing to one of my prisoner friends. Like just sitting.

like a diamond ...

Before the mastectomy, I saw an MRI image of my invasive breast cancer on a computer screen. This was the day before they did the MRI-guided biopsy. There was nothing vague about it – it looked clear and defined, bright and shiny – like a diamond. When I saw it, I did not know that it was cancer, and I asked the Dr. what else it could be. Oh, a density of fibrous tissue or something, he said. All I knew was that it was different from everything around it, and I have come to trust that my breast cancer is, indeed, some kind of treasure.

Though I write honestly, and sometimes perhaps flippantly and cynically, about my experiences with breast cancer and the medical system, I mean no disrespect to the professionals who treat me. I am incredibly grateful for their knowledge and skills, their very hands(!) – and I am humbled by the way they dedicate their lives (and days and nights) to the health and care of our bodies (my body!). The personalities of my doctors and their assistants, with all of their human variations, truly do bless and charm me.