Wednesday, December 12, 2007

the hands of others

I feel like I am at the end of a “process”. There is nothing left for me to “do”. Not that there was ever anything, really, for me to “do”, but now I know that I only have to be, in the moment, as I am. I don’t need to control things in my mind, make them the way I think that they need to be.

Things can just be as they are.

My sister is coming in from upstate New York on Sunday. This is interesting. Though we are close in age – she is 20 months older than me – we have very different personalities and have never been particularly “close” as sisters. But we were the only surviving children, and there is a strong unspoken bond between us.

She really wanted to come to be with me during the surgery, and I knew I needed to honor that. On the surface, I think I agreed because I wanted John to have someone with him while I was actually in surgery. But there are many layers of complex relatedness going on here and I know that I need to just surrender to it and let myself be amongst family and friends, and let them care for me. I do not need to, and cannot, hyper-manage it.

It’s a little scary to completely put myself into the hands of others. The hands of my surgeons, as well as the hands of my family and my friends. But I do.